Bleeding Hearts and Other Body Parts

And now we conclude our trilogy of Unstable Men Who Asked Out BeowulfGirl with…

Dan:

I was a Creative Writing minor, which meant I had to take five classes in Creative Writing in order to complete my degree (in fact, it was in one of these classes that I met my aforementioned best friend, Andrew). Second semester senior year, I took my final class and met Dan.

Dan weighed about two hundred pounds, had a scraggly moustache, and always wore the same shirt—a football jersey sporting the logo of the New York Giants. He had interesting body odor, and was completely obnoxious in class. Even the professor hated him. And lucky me got to sit right next to him.

Dan was a Theatre Arts major, which meant that he had access to professional make-up kits. Dan’s favorite thing to do was to create fake and incredibly gory-looking wounds on himself using liquid latex and red paint. No one was sure why he did this, but I just assumed it was another way of getting attention.

One night, with a fake eyeball hanging out of its socket, Dan came looming up to me after class and asked; “Would you like to have dinner?”

“I’m having dinner with a friend,” I replied, and took off. This wasn’t a lie—I was having dinner with my friend Kim. We did it every week after I got out of class. She was waiting for me across the courtyard in the History building.

Two weeks later, Dan tried again (this time he had an axe blade through his head). After class he asked; “What are you doing Saturday night? Would you like to go out?”

“I have a family wedding in Philadelphia,” I said, and this was also the truth.

Another week went by, and at the end of class I collected my things and took off like a shot before Dan could confront me again (this week, he had a pencil driven through his hand). I stormed across the courtyard at top speed, all the while hearing Dan lurching behind me and breathing heavily. I spotted Kim, and she began to make her way towards me. Suddenly, I felt Dan’s big, meaty hand drop on my shoulder. Damn.

I turned around, and he stood there, panting. Then he wheezed: “Look, you’ve turned me down twice now, so I’ll just ask…would you like to go to a movie sometime?”

Jesus Christ, I thought, what the hell does it take to get this guy to take a hint? I opened my mouth to try to say something intelligent, when suddenly Kim, who had heard everything, came out with:

“She already has a boyfriend.”

I just stared at her. This was an idea that I simply had not thought of before.

“Oh,” said Dan, mournfully, “she does?”

“Yes. His name is Steve Duhamel. He goes to college in…um…Rhode Island. He’s majoring in…um…”

“Architecture,” I put in, trying to help.

“Yes,” Kim went on, “and he rows crew and is involved in student government. They’ve been going out for two years now, and are probably going to get married after graduation.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty serious,” I said, nodding enthusiastically.

“Oh,” said Dan. “Bummer.” He paused. "So a date is out of the question, then?"

"Yes!" I screamed. "For God's sake, I'm practically engaged!" I was taking this fantasy to a whole new level.

And he slowly walked away.

“That was awesome!” I said to Kim.

To this day, Kim and I resurrect “Steve Duhamel” whenever we get invited somewhere by a creepy guy. Steve has since graduated from college and now lives in Pennsylvania, where he’s a partner in a large architectural firm.

And, of course, he’s completely devoted to us.

Next time: Another story about the Count!