Soup Is Good Food

Matt:

Two weeks after Derek the Bridge Dumper took a header off of the Route 18 overpass onto oncoming traffic, Greg began to get lonely and asked a fellow named Matt to move in with him until Derek got out of the hospital.

Matt was an interesting guy. First of all, he had Marftan’s Syndrome (which is what Abraham Lincoln had) and was six foot five inches tall. He loomed over everything and everyone, and Greg affectionately (or otherwise) called him “Lurch.” Matt’s other claim to fame was that he was, apparently, the soul heir to the Lipton’s Soup Company, and one day he would inherit millions of dollars.

Matt was a Chemistry major, and one of the few genuine geniuses I’ve ever met. We all liked him, but we couldn’t understand two-thirds of what he said. Still, he seemed to cheer up Greg, so we all accepted him.

My dealings with Matt were only Greg-related, much as they had been with Derek. I was very surprised when he called me at home one night, because I didn’t even know he had my number.

“Hello,” he said pleasantly. “Greg gave me your number, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Er…no,” I said, wondering if I did or not.

“I was just wondering…would you like to go to dinner on Friday, perhaps see a movie, and have some polite conversation?” (As opposed to rude conversation, I assumed).

“Has Greg done something?” I asked, nervously.

“Well, you could say that it’s Greg-related,” said Matt.

“Well, Friday is when I have forensics,” I said, “but I can meet you for pizza or something in the Student Center.”

He agreed that that would be fine, and that’s what we did. For the entire dinner, I kept asking, “so what has Greg done, exactly?” but Matt didn’t seem to want to tell me about that. Instead, he went on and on about how he was trying to isolate a protein that would somehow revolutionize the soup industry.

When the whole thing was mercifully over, Matt and I walked outside and he looked down at me and said, “to be perfectly honest with you, Greg suggested that I do this, which is why I said it concerned him. Would you…would you like to go out with me?”

Oh, balls. The trouble was, I didn’t. At all. I simply didn’t like him “that way.” I could barely follow his conversation, how would I have a relationship with him? And, I proceeded to look this nice guy right in the eyes and lie to him.

I told him I was interested in someone else, and that all of my energy was focused there, but I really thanked him for asking me, and wished him well. I made sure he was okay before he left me—I’d have opened a vein if he also jumped off a bridge.

A few weeks later, Matt suddenly started showing up with an incredibly unattractive, dumpy girl named Betsy, with whom he claimed he was madly in love. I didn’t understand it, but was happy for him. A week after that, he announced that he was bisexual. We then started seeing him strolling the campus with both the hideous Betsy and a strange, blonde, scruffy man, holding hands with both of them.

By the end of the term, Matt had moved out of the dorm and into an apartment with both of them, where they shared a king-sized bed and lived happily as a threesome. It was astounding.

Two months later, I was in my living room and the phone rang. It was Greg. “Turn on CBS!” He yelled. “Right now!”

I turned on the TV and was astonished to see Matt, Betsy, and the unnamed man on The Montel Williams Show. The theme of the show was “Threesomes That Work.” And all three of them chatted with Montel about how happy they were, and that they all adored each other.

“Wow,” said Greg, amazed. “Just think…that could have been you.”

Next time: We wrap up our series of interesting men by discussing Dan, a guy who had a really creative use for latex.